I
woke this morning trying to shake disturbing repetitive dreams about being robbed. First it was my luggage. I carried a large duffle bag, on a train to
the city. Someone took it. He was a dark and fleeting image. I wasn’t even sure I had seen the thief. Confused and frustrated, I soon discovered he
came back for my wallet. Less concerned
with the overall nuisance, I was frozen by indecision. I knew I could quickly foil the fun by simply
calling my bank and notifying the authorities but instead, I crumpled in a
ball. Afraid. Alone.
Bewildered that I live in a world where this even happens.
I rolled
over staring at the clock. Another
sleepless night. Great. Just what I need.
I noticed David Whyte’s book “The Three
Marriages” sitting on my nightstand.
Before my feet ever touched the ground, I began reading about how our busyness
builds tidal gates to our potential, our dreams and inspirations. The wonder of childhood, the vast expanse of
imagination and vision is lost in our growing up, maturing, taking on the
mundane and practical realities.
His
words stung:
“When had I erected a barrier inside me that let things out but did not allow them back in? ... By what steps had I forgotten the promise I had made as a child not to fall into a false form of maturity, which is actually a form of nonparticipation, of not seeing, not hearing and not imagining?”
My
dream continued to haunt me as I mulled this question within myself.
I
certainly have much to be grateful for.
2011 wasn’t as awful for me as it might have been for others, and yet I
am fully aware of the Titanic that is our civilization and I worry about
us. I worry about how all these human
beings with all their “stuff” (emotional and economic) are going to harmonize
with the Earth and her changing biosphere.
And then there is my own little life of excuses and burdens. I hate being a martyr, but let's get real. Mothers can't win. 2011 was a year of reckoning on the life balance front and I ain't even close to having it figured out.
As I
finish the last warm sips of chai, I realize what my dreams are telling
me. They are telling me to let go of the
baggage of beliefs that are holding me back from fulfilling my own dreams. I have wrestled with the aligator of worldly and personal woes for far too long. We all know it's bad out there. But it's not going to get any better if we sit frozen, staring at the tragedy from our (for now) safe seats on the sidelines. I surely have options to find the balance I need to be the mother AND writer I want to be. Time to roll up the sleeves and do what we can. However small.
No more tidal gates. Let 'er rip.
Open. Open wide. Breathe. Let Go. Re-imagine.
Dream.
In surrendering all the crap, I am free. I am free to dream a new dream for 2012, one
that is empowering, powerful and healing for me, my family and through quantum
domino effect, YOU.
I wish you beautiful sparkly dreams in 2012!
Namaste.
